love psychology/love diagnosis/love truth

• koishinri

The Basic Trust Underlying Love

If you are not loved by your mother, can you not become a person who is loved?

Lovers have a desire to be united in body and mind with the person they love. Where does this desire for unification and integration, this mutual seeking between those who love each other, come from?

In the field of psychology, this desire for unification and integration is considered to go back to the relationship between mother and fetus. The fetus spends nearly 10 months in the mother's body as a single entity.

Even though a newborn baby is physically separated from its mother, it still cannot distinguish between self and other, so it feels that its mother's breast, chest, and arms are also part of itself.

A baby cannot do anything by itself and must be fed milk by its mother and have its diaper changed. All its needs must be met by its mother. As long as these needs are met, the baby feels no anxiety.

However, as the baby grows, it gradually begins to realize that it is a separate being from its mother. At this time, it experiences separation anxiety and seeks a sense of unity with its mother. This is considered to be the basis of the desire for unification and integration.

For everyone, the first object of love is the mother, or a substitute for the mother. A baby's love for its mother is primal; it is called "attachment".

Attachment forms the foundation of romantic love and love in adulthood, but it is not love itself. Adult love is considered to be something more advanced.

Adult love is based on perceiving the other person as an independent individual, just like oneself. Mature love, not limited to romantic relationships, presupposes self-formation and individual independence.

Factors Influencing Adult Romantic Relationships

A newborn baby develops a basic sense of trust in themselves and the world through their mother.

While infants are entirely dependent on their mothers, those who receive adequate care develop a positive view of the world and a sense of self-worth.

However, if a baby is left hungry, cries unanswered, or neglected, they may perceive the world as cold and harsh, developing a sense of mistrust in themselves.

Infancy is a crucial period where the relationship with the mother (or a mother figure) shapes the foundation for trusting and connecting with others in adulthood.

Children who lack sufficient care are said to have difficulty loving others as adults.

The initial mother-child relationship significantly impacts adult romantic relationships. Children who fail to develop a basic sense of trust in infancy often struggle to have happy romantic lives as adults.

However, none of us achieve a perfect sense of basic trust in our early mother-child relationship. Everyone experiences some conflict or hurt regarding love.

We cannot become adults who are loved without any scars!